Let me start with a disclaimer. The characters in this post are purely fictional creations. If they bear any similarities or resemblance to you or any other persons in real life, it is not my fault. If after reading this post, one of your “men on call” decides to walk out of your life just because he is now better informed, I shall not be held liable.
That said, let me introduce you to my boys. They’re a must have for the modern Nigerian girl of today. Just like shoes, you need the right one for the right occasion, so have a look at the list below and figure out what bit of your shopping is yet to be done.
Recharge Card Boy: Sure you can always buy yourself some airtime. But you can never really have too much airtime. This guy here will always be handy to send you some, in the hopes that maybe you’ll call him more often? Or in the hopes that you’ll like him a little more. Just ask nicely and don’t forget to call him and say a very heartfelt thank you.
Free-food Guy: This guy will always be ready to take you out for a meal, especially on those days that you have a hankering for more than just the ordinary stuff. Call him (with Recharge card boy’s airtime), chat him up a little and then suggest you guys go out for a meal. Even better is to mention that you’re hungry and say what you really feel like eating. He’ll probably think of the best place to get what you’re craving and presto! Breakfast or lunch or dinner is served.
Stand-by Chauffeur: We all need one of these guys. For when you don’t want to drive or spend cab money (although UBER rates are very friendly). This one will take you anywhere or pick you up from anywhere. It would help if you gave him advance notice though. That would greatly increase your chances of getting that ride. But these guys are known to move mountains to get you where you want to go. Don’t forget to call him once in a while just to chat about “non-driver-related” things. We don’t want him feeling used. Besides, you have all that airtime from Recharge card boy. Use it.
Hang(out) Man: This is a man for bored times. Have no plans and a bout of ennui? Or does the world suddenly seem very uninteresting? Call him. At the drop of a hat. If he’s free, he’ll go to a movie with you or to a bar for drinks or any other place where you can just hang out. He’ll move stuff around and make sure he’s there.
Money Banks: This is the Baba Alaye Number 1 of speed dials. Not everyone has this one. Whatever your needs, he’ll give you money towards it. All you need to do is ask or hint at it or lead him to ask about it. Problem is you may not always get away with giving him nothing in return. There was a time when they were all just happy to give just for giving sake. Now, most of them no longer offer “free lunch”. (I wonder if that’s because the exchange rates have soared over the last year or so). So if you’re ready to spread ’em once in a while, then you’re good. Otherwise, get the money from him once or twice and then find a new one.
Party Animal: Are you looking for a great Friday night out? This is the guy for the job. He knows the clubs with the best crowds, the banging DJ’s, the most affordable drinks (cos he might be the one buying) and he can rustle up a super cool party crew in minutes. Just be careful not to get too drunk. He or one of his friends might take advantage. You have been warned.
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